Houston, We have a HUGE Blind Spot

Hmm... so that blind spot? Yeah, it's my health.  I literally see everything else in the world before I see my health needs.  I have made amazing strides professionally in the past 2-3 months, but have failed when it comes to my health.  Its like I somehow half expect my health to take care of itself because I am doing great in other areas of my life. 

Although, I am upset about not fulfilling my goals up to this point, I am proud that I'm still here.  Typically I would run away as fast as I could from this blog, from my friends questions, and from the mirror. 

I have bad habits and am not good at the day-to-day of things.  I am a visionary/big picture type - so I have the idea of who I want to be physically and health wise but am not taking the action to get there.  So I need to tackle this blind spot.. this huge hole from my vision to my day-to-day actions.

Help a sista out: What works for you - what small steps do you  take everyday?/ How do you keep yourself accountable? 

Sorry for the choppy-ness of this post.. but I needed to put it out there. 

A month of change, learning, and forgiveness

This month has been full (actually spilling over) : full of life and full of challenge

Change 

A. I started a new job on September 1.  And by job I mean I am participating in a National Service Program, where I volunteer at an organization/school/foundation 32 to 45 hours a weeks, participate in leadership training, work on community projects, and network like crazy so I basically work 50-60 hours a week - easy.  I will be doing this for the next 10 months.  Fortunately, I did this same program last year - so I know the drill, but it's still a minor shock after having the month of August off. 

B. Oh yeah, and the last week of August I decided to lose 100 lbs. yeah, that's a change. 

So mixing A + B = C, and C is for CHAOS.  It has proven to be incredible difficult to get use to a new job, new team, new goals, and all of this, all at once... this is where learning and forgiveness come in.

Learning

What I have learned...

• I have personally come a LONGGG way in the past year
• There are some areas in my life I need an extreme amount of structure and other areas where I do not (or I think I don't) 
• I pour myself into my job/work and forget about the day to day life needs
• I go into fight of flight mode when I am uncomfortable, unfamiliar, or looking for direction
• I start to shut down under these circumstances and I try to "fake it til I make it" but that is utterly exhausting

What I still need to learn...

• How to balance my work and life
• How to lean into the discomfort/unfamiliar with a little more ease
• How to build structure for the areas of my life that need it

Forgiveness 

I don't know it all and I make mistakes.  And I hate it. I want to know everything, I want to see everything coming, and I especially have no patience for the process (most of the time).  I am really trying to forgive and be kinder with myself.  This is going to be a life long process... to wake up and love myself no matter what.  


So what am I going to do with all of this?


1. I am starting Weight Watchers on Tuesday. This will offer structure while still keeping me honest and making good choices.
2. More Journaling, More Self-reflection, More gratitude (forgiveness in full effect) & More Blogging (I want to use this tool for what I intended it for in the 1st place)
3. Exercise (even if just for 10 minutes), Water, and proper sleep EVERYDAY.  


Has anyone out there had a dramatic change at the beginning of weight loss journey?  How did you handle it or get through it? I'd love some advice


Enjoy the rest of your weekend and have a beautiful week! 

So about that bullsh*t...

I started this blog to be accountable, to drop the bullshit and to document my journey to my most authentic healthy self.  But when the going gets tough- the tough go... silent?! That's what I've felt like (and haven't felt too tough by the way).  It got tough, really early, and I shut up.  I immediately felt myself wanting to swallow all my words, delete the blog and go into hiding.  Sh*t, what have I gotten myself into? Am I really going to do this?! 


Since my last post, I have shared my grand plans with my nearest and dearest - and have received pretty amazing support thus far.  But I also feel like my family and best friends don't know exactly how to support me and I really don't know exactly how I need to be supported - I just know I need it.  Why? Because I'm scared - I'm scared I'm going to fail but I'm also somehow afraid to succeed. 


This is the tough stuff, the bullsh*t, I so desperately need to sort through.  


When I began all this (only a week and half ago) I felt GREAT and was SO EXCITED, but then the doubt crept in. Doubt that I can NOT do this and doubt I actually CAN! All the while, I secretly think I was waiting for the doubt to show up, pour itself a drink, and drag me down with it.  But I've stayed partially resilient: I've kept  up the healthy eating but I have let the doubt steal all my energy and exhaust me. (and haven't exercised in 4 days)  


I am at my worst and least authentic self when I am tired.  I become anxious, worried, and feel physically and mentally weak.   This has been the hardest challenge so far.  I have struggled immensely to still feel good and be confident when I am absolutely drained.  At this point I have no idea how to help myself through the doubt... 


I hate to talk about my bullsh*t, because it makes me feel 13 different shades of vulnerable, I think I MUST share it here, really reflect and dig deep, and get input in order to move through it and leave it behind. 

So let's welcome to the bullsh*t center stage: Fear and Doubt and the resulting effects.


How have you dealt with Fear and Doubt in your journey?  How do you manage/fake out/move through the resulting effects of this awfully dynamic duo?

Right here. Right Now: Gym Edition

There are so many things I want to say and I want to share about my journey up to this point and what I hope for the future.  BUT I can feel myself already getting 5 miles ahead of myself. One of my biggest challenges is to stay engaged, right here, right now in this moment.  (and isn't that was authenticity is all about?!)

So I am going to write about "the NOW" and enjoy it.

Today was my first day back to the gym in months.  I was really anxious even thinking about going to the gym for a number of reasons.  The stares at the "big girl", feeling like I did not belong, and looking weak just to name a few.  Thankfully, this is a gym I've been to before, so that was a minor relief this stressful excursion. 

Guess what?! All that stress and anxiety WAS FOR NOTHING!  

Once I jumped on an elliptical all the fear, anxiety, and stress was gone.  No one was looking at me like I assumed they would.  I felt (and still feel) great and motivated to make this a habit.

What I wasn't expecting was the clarity exercing provided me today.  In my last post I talked about not knowing exactly what my goals would be but I knew they would come to me. And they did. So here are some fitness goals that I identified today:

• Immediate: Weekly: Cardio Exercise (bike or elliptical) 4 times per week (at least 20 minutes but more if I'm feeling good - again, I don't want to ever feel like anything is a death sentence)
• Be Physically Fit Enough To:
• Attend Spin Class! I've just always wanted to try spin!
• Add StairMaster to weekly cardio: This was my FAVORITE machine when I was super fit - I felt like a super hero whenever I worked out on it. I want that feeling again!
• *I hope to attack both of these by December 1, 2012 - but I want to be sure I am physically ready so I'm not writing that one in stone.
• Complete a 5K in January/February 2012

So happy I stayed engaged and in the moment today! It made for a wonderful day full of A-Ha moments - I wish you the same :) 

 

 What were your fitness goals when you first started?! 

How did you measure up to the goals you set?

On my way ..

.. and doing it differently.  I have began and ended more diets and exercise routines that I care to name.  And ya know what?  I'm tired.  And I don't care to buy into anymore hype or quick fixes.  

A little under a year ago I made a promise to myself to create a life I love to live.  No small task.  This past year I have worked incredibly hard to find and create that life. I have switched jobs/industries, built relationships with INCREDIBLE people, began journaling and really started to tackle some mental/physical/time obstacles.  I also had hoped to lose a bunch of weight during that time.  But I realized in the midst of all this change something had to give, and unfortunately my weight took the back seat. 

But now, a year ish later... a healthy authentic lifestyle can and will be a TOP priority.  And that is a beautiful thing.

Now.. what am I going to do differently? 

• # ONE) I am not going to have a some EPIC start day
• By epic I mean "I'm starting on MONDAY and I will never look at bread, pasta or anything with one ounce of fat in it EVER again"
• I don’t want to have that "this is my last meal the night before the epic day" feeling like I’m going to the chair..  

This is not a death sentence... 

it is a life worth living sentence

So what am I doing instead of that insanity!? I’m just easing in to it.. but this does not mean I will be haphazard and scatter brained with no goals.  Once I decided my health was going to be a true top priority last week I started making better choices that day and I continue to.  I am going to gradually add fitness, add calorie counting, and subtract the negatives (all of which I will share here)

• # TWO) I am not going to go from a glorified couch potato to a vegan triathlete overnight
  
• This goes back to the easing into it that I referenced earlier.
• By the end of a year of weight loss and healthy living you can bet your pretty little face that I will be counting every calorie, running all over the place and have more energy than I know what to with.  But Day 365 isn't Day 1.  
• I can't change every single thing I do regarding health, eating and exercise in 35 seconds so I am not going to try and set myself up to fail.

 What will I be doing? Setting (achievable) goals,  making focused intentional changes and being proud of the small things.

• # THREE) I am not weighing myself for the 1st month
• In recent history, all of my attempts at weight loss have fizzled after the 1st weigh in for several reasons:
• 1. I lose LESS than I think I should have (total bummer, shall I be Sad Sally or Negative Nancy for the next week?)
• 2. I lose MORE than I think I would have (free pass to eat whatever I want right?!)
• 3. I lose EXACTLY what I thought I would (OMG- I must know everything there is to know about weight loss - duh - this whole thing is going to be a breeze)
• ALL OUTCOMES RESULT IN: me doing something ridiculous and sabotaging myself.
• Please note: I will weigh myself tomorrow (8/21) and then not weigh in again until the last week of September.

Simply put: I can't have any of those outcomes this time.  So 30 days without the scale's feedback will be hard but worth it.

So you are probably thinking: so what ARE your goals!?

The big one: 100 lbs down by September 1, 2012

(I haven't 100% figured out how I want to break 

it down but I will share once I do)

As for the rest... Still bouncing around ideas about the exact structure of this blog - What I hope for is to be brutally honest about my journey, talk about budget friendly meal options and share any and all other fabulous health, fitness, weight loss information I can. So excuse me while I fly by the seat of my pants for the next 2-ish weeks - I really wanted to jump in and make this blog happen!

 

I don't know who will read this - but I hope someone out there gets it and can relate. If that's you? Thanks for being here ♥ Say hi / leave a comment / Stalk my blog for a  little while - just know I would love to hear from you and follow your journey!