I started this blog to be accountable, to drop the bullshit and to document my journey to my most authentic healthy self. But when the going gets tough- the tough go... silent?! That's what I've felt like (and haven't felt too tough by the way). It got tough, really early, and I shut up. I immediately felt myself wanting to swallow all my words, delete the blog and go into hiding. Sh*t, what have I gotten myself into? Am I really going to do this?!
Since my last post, I have shared my grand plans with my nearest and dearest - and have received pretty amazing support thus far. But I also feel like my family and best friends don't know exactly how to support me and I really don't know exactly how I need to be supported - I just know I need it. Why? Because I'm scared - I'm scared I'm going to fail but I'm also somehow afraid to succeed.
This is the tough stuff, the bullsh*t, I so desperately need to sort through.
When I began all this (only a week and half ago) I felt GREAT and was SO EXCITED, but then the doubt crept in. Doubt that I can NOT do this and doubt I actually CAN! All the while, I secretly think I was waiting for the doubt to show up, pour itself a drink, and drag me down with it. But I've stayed partially resilient: I've kept up the healthy eating but I have let the doubt steal all my energy and exhaust me. (and haven't exercised in 4 days)
I am at my worst and least authentic self when I am tired. I become anxious, worried, and feel physically and mentally weak. This has been the hardest challenge so far. I have struggled immensely to still feel good and be confident when I am absolutely drained. At this point I have no idea how to help myself through the doubt...
I hate to talk about my bullsh*t, because it makes me feel 13 different shades of vulnerable, I think I MUST share it here, really reflect and dig deep, and get input in order to move through it and leave it behind.
So let's welcome to the bullsh*t center stage: Fear and Doubt and the resulting effects.
How have you dealt with Fear and Doubt in your journey? How do you manage/fake out/move through the resulting effects of this awfully dynamic duo?
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Right here. Right Now: Gym Edition
There are so many things I want to say and I want to share about my journey up to this point and what I hope for the future. BUT I can feel myself already getting 5 miles ahead of myself. One of my biggest challenges is to stay engaged, right here, right now in this moment. (and isn't that was authenticity is all about?!)
So I am going to write about "the NOW" and enjoy it.
Today was my first day back to the gym in months. I was really anxious even thinking about going to the gym for a number of reasons. The stares at the "big girl", feeling like I did not belong, and looking weak just to name a few. Thankfully, this is a gym I've been to before, so that was a minor relief this stressful excursion.
Guess what?! All that stress and anxiety WAS FOR NOTHING!
Once I jumped on an elliptical all the fear, anxiety, and stress was gone. No one was looking at me like I assumed they would. I felt (and still feel) great and motivated to make this a habit.
What I wasn't expecting was the clarity exercing provided me today. In my last post I talked about not knowing exactly what my goals would be but I knew they would come to me. And they did. So here are some fitness goals that I identified today:
- Immediate: Weekly: Cardio Exercise (bike or elliptical) 4 times per week (at least 20 minutes but more if I'm feeling good - again, I don't want to ever feel like anything is a death sentence)
- Be Physically Fit Enough To:
- Attend Spin Class! I've just always wanted to try spin!
- Add StairMaster to weekly cardio: This was my FAVORITE machine when I was super fit - I felt like a super hero whenever I worked out on it. I want that feeling again!
- *I hope to attack both of these by December 1, 2012 - but I want to be sure I am physically ready so I'm not writing that one in stone.
- Complete a 5K in January/February 2012
So happy I stayed engaged and in the moment today! It made for a wonderful day full of A-Ha moments - I wish you the same :)
What were your fitness goals when you first started?!
How did you measure up to the goals you set?
Saturday, August 20, 2011
On my way ..
.. and doing it differently. I have began and ended more diets and exercise routines that I care to name. And ya know what? I'm tired. And I don't care to buy into anymore hype or quick fixes.
A little under a year ago I made a promise to myself to create a life I love to live. No small task. This past year I have worked incredibly hard to find and create that life. I have switched jobs/industries, built relationships with INCREDIBLE people, began journaling and really started to tackle some mental/physical/time obstacles. I also had hoped to lose a bunch of weight during that time. But I realized in the midst of all this change something had to give, and unfortunately my weight took the back seat.
But now, a year ish later... a healthy authentic lifestyle can and will be a TOP priority. And that is a beautiful thing.
Now.. what am I going to do differently?
- # ONE) I am not going to have a some EPIC start day
- By epic I mean "I'm starting on MONDAY and I will never look at bread, pasta or anything with one ounce of fat in it EVER again"
- I don’t want to have that "this is my last meal the night before the epic day" feeling like I’m going to the chair..
This is not a death sentence...
it is a life worth living sentence
So what am I doing instead of that insanity!? I’m just easing in to it.. but this does not mean I will be haphazard and scatter brained with no goals. Once I decided my health was going to be a true top priority last week I started making better choices that day and I continue to. I am going to gradually add fitness, add calorie counting, and subtract the negatives (all of which I will share here)
- # TWO) I am not going to go from a glorified couch potato to a vegan triathlete overnight
- This goes back to the easing into it that I referenced earlier.
- By the end of a year of weight loss and healthy living you can bet your pretty little face that I will be counting every calorie, running all over the place and have more energy than I know what to with. But Day 365 isn't Day 1.
- I can't change every single thing I do regarding health, eating and exercise in 35 seconds so I am not going to try and set myself up to fail.
- # THREE) I am not weighing myself for the 1st month
- In recent history, all of my attempts at weight loss have fizzled after the 1st weigh in for several reasons:
- 1. I lose LESS than I think I should have (total bummer, shall I be Sad Sally or Negative Nancy for the next week?)
- 2. I lose MORE than I think I would have (free pass to eat whatever I want right?!)
- 3. I lose EXACTLY what I thought I would (OMG- I must know everything there is to know about weight loss - duh - this whole thing is going to be a breeze)
- ALL OUTCOMES RESULT IN: me doing something ridiculous and sabotaging myself.
- Please note: I will weigh myself tomorrow (8/21) and then not weigh in again until the last week of September.
Simply put: I can't have any of those outcomes this time. So 30 days without the scale's feedback will be hard but worth it.
So you are probably thinking: so what ARE your goals!?
The big one: 100 lbs down by September 1, 2012
(I haven't 100% figured out how I want to break
it down but I will share once I do)
As for the rest... Still bouncing around ideas about the exact structure of this blog - What I hope for is to be brutally honest about my journey, talk about budget friendly meal options and share any and all other fabulous health, fitness, weight loss information I can. So excuse me while I fly by the seat of my pants for the next 2-ish weeks - I really wanted to jump in and make this blog happen!
I don't know who will read this - but I hope someone out there gets it and can relate. If that's you? Thanks for being here ♥ Say hi / leave a comment / Stalk my blog for a little while - just know I would love to hear from you and follow your journey!
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