I started this blog to be accountable, to drop the bullshit and to document my journey to my most authentic healthy self. But when the going gets tough- the tough go... silent?! That's what I've felt like (and haven't felt too tough by the way). It got tough, really early, and I shut up. I immediately felt myself wanting to swallow all my words, delete the blog and go into hiding. Sh*t, what have I gotten myself into? Am I really going to do this?!
Since my last post, I have shared my grand plans with my nearest and dearest - and have received pretty amazing support thus far. But I also feel like my family and best friends don't know exactly how to support me and I really don't know exactly how I need to be supported - I just know I need it. Why? Because I'm scared - I'm scared I'm going to fail but I'm also somehow afraid to succeed.
This is the tough stuff, the bullsh*t, I so desperately need to sort through.
When I began all this (only a week and half ago) I felt GREAT and was SO EXCITED, but then the doubt crept in. Doubt that I can NOT do this and doubt I actually CAN! All the while, I secretly think I was waiting for the doubt to show up, pour itself a drink, and drag me down with it. But I've stayed partially resilient: I've kept up the healthy eating but I have let the doubt steal all my energy and exhaust me. (and haven't exercised in 4 days)
I am at my worst and least authentic self when I am tired. I become anxious, worried, and feel physically and mentally weak. This has been the hardest challenge so far. I have struggled immensely to still feel good and be confident when I am absolutely drained. At this point I have no idea how to help myself through the doubt...
I hate to talk about my bullsh*t, because it makes me feel 13 different shades of vulnerable, I think I MUST share it here, really reflect and dig deep, and get input in order to move through it and leave it behind.
So let's welcome to the bullsh*t center stage: Fear and Doubt and the resulting effects.
How have you dealt with Fear and Doubt in your journey? How do you manage/fake out/move through the resulting effects of this awfully dynamic duo?
I've been in a very similar place lately. It has taken me a long te to get to this mindset; one where I was ready to give my all to meet this weightloss goal. I've lost 14 pounds, which I was super proud of but the attitude and perspective vanished. That's when I came up with a list of reasons of why I am doing this. Why am I on this journey? The list started out with the goal of being a smaller size for the wedding I'm in in July of 2012 and grew to more than 15 things. Things like steering clear from weight related health problems and being to best person I can be and when I get tired, I revisit this list. I think about what's important to me. I let myself be tired. For a day...or two...maybe seven. And then I find it in me to get to the gym for even just a little bit and take small baby steps to get back to where I was. Fear and doubt can't stop you. Only you can stop you. And remember that you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteKendra! Congrats on the 14 lbs loss and on your wedding next July! Thank you so much for your wise words. It really means a lot to know I'm not alone - sometimes weightloss can feel so incredibly lonely. Do you also blog about weightloss - if so I'd love to follow your journey! -L
ReplyDeleteThank you! Unfortunately, I don't have a blog...but I absolutely should! I would love to have a buddy to give and receive support, share tips and stories with, etc if you're interested! I'm excited to hear how things are going for you. I'm in a less than motivated state right now....I hope you're having better luck than me!
ReplyDeleteHi Kendra! That sounds great, I would love to have a buddy too - email me at AuthenticLosing (at) gmail (dot) com .... I am not having the best go at it right now but I am ready to get re-energized. I am starting Weight Watchers on Tuesday, I just need a lot of extra accountability these days, too much new stuff happening! Talk to you soon!
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